


Nevermind

by Newt_bby_multifandom



Category: GOT7, Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Eating Disorder, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Hwang Hyunjin Needs a Hug, Hwang Hyunjin is exhausted, Hwang Hyunjin-centric, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sad Hwang Hyunjin, Self-Harm, i wish we could add custom tags on mobile, not a lot tho lmao
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:55:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28601796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Newt_bby_multifandom/pseuds/Newt_bby_multifandom
Summary: Every time he tried to tell someone something got in the way and he just thought 'nevermind'.I suck at summaries it's not as bad as it seems I swear.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Everyone
Comments: 10
Kudos: 44





	1. Chapter 1

He couldn't recognise himself anymore. Who was that looking back at him? With hands that shook so constantly, with under-eye bags prominent on his pale, sickly-looking face, with eyes devoid of any spark of hope or innocent, his once handsome features sunken and apparent.

He was a ghost now, a shell of who he once was.

As he stood in the practice room, gazing disconnected into the mirror, he thought back and couldn't remember when this started. He couldn't remember when the damaging anxiety settled into his bones, always there lurking, waiting to spark up. Couldn't remember when he last ate a full meal, must be weeks by now, instead sticking to the rare granola bar and snacks now and then when he couldn't ignore the begging pain in his stomach. Couldn't remember when he lost his passion and just getting out of bed was a chore that he struggled to do every day.

Hyunjin sighed dramatically, feeling the burn on his thighs bringing him back to reality. The cuts started only recently, a last-ditch attempt to cling to some feeling, and feeling so that he doesn't have to feel like he's a ghost trapped inside his body, unable to escape the emptiness he felt. 

Dance didn't even bring him joy anymore, everything just felt pointless by now, he worked so hard to be in the dance line, only for his devotion to fade and grow into hatred. He loathed it, the endless, exhausting hours spent in that suffocating room, the walls closing in on him as he's picked apart by a thousand voices - the teacher, his members and that irksome voice in his head that creeps in the darkness as his moves get sloppier and sloppier as he gets less and less sleep. Endless hours of picking every detail of himself apart in the huge mirrors even after practice was over. How could he enjoy it when all he did was fail at it, how could he enjoy it when all it was was an excuse to ridicule himself. 

And he hated it, the disappointed looks as he fails over and over at something he should be got hours ago, so he stays, he stays well into the night trying to perfect something he couldn't perfect because he wasn't good enough, hours trying to prove to himself that Chan picked him for a reason, trying to prove to himself that he deserved to be picked, only to be left empty-handed as he failed again and again.

So he repeatedly lets them down every practise because even if they don't point out the flaws, he knows they notice because he does. If he notices them, everyone must right? If he can see every minute mistake in bold letters everyone can right?

And it hurts him so much because he knows that once upon a time he could've got everything right, he would've been the first to get it right, but now no matter how many gruelling hours he sends obsessing over his every move trying to perfect a dance beyond perfection, he never succeeds and he leaves feeling emptier and emptier and emptier.

Hyunjin jolts himself back to reality as he feels himself drifting too far off, sweat dripping down his face. His eyes took in his surroundings as he came back to his head, it was his favourite practise room in the building, it was small, yes, but it didn't feel suffocating like the one they normally use, more comforting, like a warm hug. The ceiling was high which helped him breathe easier, and it was tucked away in the back of the building so he was alone and left undisturbed. The walls were a soft pink colour a nice change from the other practice rooms that were so plain it reminded him of the mental wards you see in movies. It made the room seem less empty. The floor was hardwood which he also appreciated, most of the practice rooms were concrete which he despised, hardwood allowed him to dance smoother, granted it meant he fell sometimes, but the dance looked better so he could convince himself he was a better dancer than he was. And finally on the walls opposite the door was the huge mirrors that stretched floor to ceiling and were like his enemy and best friend. He hated then for meaning he could detect every single flaw he had yet loved them for the same reason, it reminded him that no matter how much they grew, he was easily replaceable.

Minho and Felix we're much better dancer than he would ever be, Changbin and Han we're much better rappers than he could ever be and he was no vocalist like Chan, Jeongin and Seungmin, so really, what was his purpose here? What did he bring? Nothing.

He groaned, shaking his head, he could feel the anxiety bubbling under the surface and the last thing he needed right now was an attack, that would take away from the valuable time he needed to practice before going back and slipping into the dorm unnoticed before anyone had the chance to wake up. Thinking about the time, Hyunjin grabbed his phone from where it lay abandoned next to him. 5:15 am. That's not too bad. He'd snuck out at around 2. Chan wasn't home but he wasn't too concerned about the leader noticing his absence, as he usually passed out on his bed before even changing as soon as he got home. 

With a bone cracking, Hyunjin pushed himself with weak arms off the floor where he'd collapsed a while ago for a water break. Even if he didn't eat much he wasn't as stupid as to not drink while dancing. He stretched for a second before going back over to the speakers to plug his phone in. 

He'd only have time for a few dances- he'd have to leave at half passed as Seungmin was always the first awake, usually getting up at 7 to make breakfast even if he was a disaster in the kitchen. It took half an hour to walk to the dorms so he'd get there at 6, try sleep for an hour or so before getting up and showering and greeting the others as if he never left and somehow avoid breakfast without raising concern. It was easy really, he'd been doing it for weeks. 

His trembling finger hovered over a playlist full of classical music that he used to dance to, to relax or when his anxiety had started to get too much again. He bit his lip, could he do it, he needed the practice but he didn't want to risk an attack in front of his members and he could feel the sweat dripping down his back as pondered. With a shaky, bony finger he clicked the playlist and sighed as relaxing music filled the room, running into his veins. 

He went to the middle of the room, once again ignoring how his body protested and bit his bottom lip nervously, now he didn't know what to do, before this was so easy, just dancing but now that he didn't feel inspired to dance he couldn't.

"C'mon c'mon c'mon," he muttered to himself. Forcing his tense muscles to relax as he closed his eyes, forcing his mind to empty, pushing away the feeling of nausea and anxiety bubbling in his stomach. He cleared his head and let the music take over and then he was 6 again. Twirling around, standing on his grandma's toes as they danced in the garden through the grass. As he spun gracefully, he remembered giggling as the grass tickled his ankles, his eyes filled with innocence as he looked up at his Grandma's youthful face, she was only 43 having had his mother at 17 and her having him at 20.

"I'm gonna be a dancer like you grandma" he had said proudly with a huge smile. 

"Oh u bet you will young prince" she had replied with a soft smile. He missed her lots, she'd died of cancer when he was 12. Oh if she could see him now, as an idol, a dancer, a rapper. She'd be so proud of him. 

As the memory of his grandma entered his memory he finished his dance, ignoring the way his breath was laboured and his heart was pounding far too hard, his body thanked him as he dragged himself to the music system, flinching at the way the room plunged into silence accentuating his erratic breathing as he tried to call himself. Tears welled in his eyes for reasons he didn't even know but before the could fall he pushed them away angrily. He couldn't be weak, not now. It was 5:27 am, good enough to leave he thought. 

He dragged his feet out the practice room, switching off the lights and walking outside, letting the fresh air surround him. His mask was on and cap pulled low as he walked, once again dismissing the way his legs trembled beneath him with every step and how he felt so exhausted he could pass out right then and there. It was fine, he just had to make it to the dorms and then he could sleep, he could do that, he had to. He pulled out his phone and earphones, letting Bts's waste it on me play as he zoned out, legs carrying him on autopilot to the dorms.

Hyunjin had always loved a lot, too much his grandma used to say but he couldn't help it, it was just the way he was raised. He was a people pleaser if others were happy so was he, if not he was sad so he would make it his mission to make them happy. It also meant he was easily manipulated though because so long as everyone else was happy, he was good. 

He loved a lot of things, lollipops, teddies, animals he was a child at heart he knew, everything used to bring him joy. But loving someone, a person never made sense to him. Sure he loves his parents and his grandma but he'd never loved someone romantically, his high school friends used to call him weird for it, everyone would go on dates and have crushes but not him, he didn't understand it. What was so special about going on dates, you could do that with friends and crushes seemed so pointless, an utter waste of time, just spend your time obsessing over someone who probably doesn't know you exist and for what? Hyunjin sighed, maybe he would get it one day if he makes it that long. 

If love is nothing more than just a waste of your time, waste it on me. 

The smell of eggs and bacon was what greeted Hyunjin when he woke. He got home easily and fell asleep almost immediately, proving how exhausted he was. Rolling out of bed he sighed, groaning at the way his muscles ached. He stood carefully, knowing that if he was too quick he'd get dizzy and he didn't wasn't to alert Felix who too was waking up on the other side of the room. He called out that he was taking a quick shower before gathering clean clothes and heading into the bathroom, wincing at the sight that greeted him.

He was a mess, his hair was greasy from sweat and his under-eye bags were more noticeable than ever, his skin seemed to have paled even more and his cheeks were more sunken than they had appeared in the practice room. He bit chapped lips before tearing his eyes away and starting the shower. 

He peeled off the shirt he was wearing, wincing at the way it stuck to his skin as he forgot to change from his dance clothes before passing out the previous night. Running his shaky fingers feather-light over his protruding ribs he glanced back at the mirror seeing the way his stomach seemed permanently sucked in and ribs stuck out like a sore thumb. It wasn't that he liked how he looked basically starved, he didn't, he just needed it, he needed something to control, something to ground him as he felt himself floating further and further away as every day passes. He hated how he looked compared to before and he hated how he lost the only good thing he had left, but he needed this too much to give it up. And maybe some deranged part of him does like it, the way his stomach begs him day in day out, maybe he likes pushing himself until he inevitably gives in and eats somehing, maybe he likes the torture he puts himself through, he doesn't know anymore.

He stepped out of his sweatpants, glancing at the bandages wrapped firmly around his thighs before stepping out of his boxers also. Unwrapping the bandages, he put them on the counter before stepping into the stream, letting the warm water hit him. And let himself zone out once more.

He knew he should talk to someone but nevermind.


	2. A/N - one shot book

Hi so obviously not a chapter but I was wondering if I should do a one shot books of groups I stan? It would probably just be Stray kids, Ateez, Bts, Got7, Nct and Txt at the moment with more added later. But I dunno, if u guys have any requests you can leave em, they can anything except anything like rape or underage stuff.

But regarding this book, I hope to get a chapter out tomorrow, I was gonna write one today but I'm too tired lmao. Also, is what Hyunjin has considered an eating disorder? I'm almost completely sure it is but I don't wanna be wrong. But if it is let me know and I'll change the tags immediately. 

Also is there anything you'd like to read about in this story? Something you'd like to see? Cause if so you can let me know and I'll include it because I tend to run out of ideas easily and get writer's block lol.

Anyways see u tomorrow hopefully


	3. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw, there is talk of purging in this chapter so be warned. He has a panic attack and sort self harms so be careful if you read on.

"Stop it, stop it, stop it" He chanted as if saying it would make a difference. 

Everything was just too much and he needed it to stop. Every noise was too loud, too irritating, the walls were too close, every item of clothing was too tight, too baggy, too suffocating. Everything was wrong and he couldn't stop it, he didn't like it, It needed to stop.

He control was slipping rapidly and he knew it but it was too quick, too suddenly, he couldn't stop it, part of him didn't want to. 

His excuses were lamer now, they were no longer "Oh I've already eaten sorry, but I'll make sure to eat later" or "Oh I'm not hungry right now but I'll make sure to have a big lunch' they were now just " I'm not hungry thanks" or 'I've already eaten sorry" the members hadn't caught on though, none of them even blinked when he said those things. But still, you could only use the same excuses and tricks for so long before someone caught on. 

He made sure to only eat when the members were looking but even then it wasn't enough, only enough that he could make it through the day without passing out. He'd learnt a lot of tricks though, like how to hide food under food, how to compact food to make it look like less, and how to calculate calorie intake easily to control it and keep track of how much more you can eat. 

He had tried purging but he didn't like it much, the taste was just horrific and the actual act of it put him off. He'd also done research and found out how damaging it was so he wanted to avoid it as much as possible, he didn't want something to give him away. He also found out that he lost too much weight this way, so much to the point that the member might catch on and get the wrong idea, he wasn't trying to lose weight, just control what he eats and lose just enough to suffer so that he can feel something. Not about his weight. Nothing to do with his weight...

It was useful though, if he ever ate too much and went over his calorie goal he could just get rid of it and start again. He could just get rid of the extra calories and make sure it doesn't happen again. It really was useful because if he lost a bit of control and did too much he could simply regain it. But still, he'd rather avoid it as much as possible, the smell could also be an issue when hiding it. 

Hyunjin groaned in frustrated and shook his head, trying to banish any thought that could distract him from dancing only to come back later to torment him. He sighed as he made his way over to the speakers, tugging at his baggy t-shirt collar, suddenly feeling suffocated. He ignored the way the walls were closing in on him and the way his legs were about to give out. Shaking his shoulders and stretching his neck as he tried to rid the ever-increasing anxiety he picked up his phone with trembling hands and suddenly just needed out. The walls were too close and his shirt was choking him, his shoes were too squeaky and his hair was itching, no his whole body was itching and then he couldn't breathe, his chest rising and falling rapidly and he just needed out. 

He felt the panic rise as he sunk to the ground "Not here, not here, please" he begged internally. He couldn't have a panic attack here, someone could see him, someone could call his members and he'd have to explain what he's doing practising at 3 am and he wouldn't be able to get out of it and god he couldn't stop, he couldn't control his breathing and it was getting faster and faster and he couldn't breathe. 

"Fuck, fuck, fuck" he muttered hands reaching up to tug at his hair, relishing in the grounding pain, he needed to hurt. He gasped as he clenched his eyes shut, needing to be away from the ever closing in walls and needed to be away from the bright lights.

"Okay okay okay, I can do this just... Do what Chan says, breath in for..... Fuck fuck fuck how long do I breathe in for" Hyunjin panicked, feeling himself slipping further and further into the panic attack, he mentally berated himself for relying on the members so much in these situations. His chest was rising even quicker now, as uncontrollable panic sunk into his bones, "no one can find me" is all he thought "they can't" his breathing was quicker and quicker now coming out in short gasps that made his vision blacken around the edges. A shaky hand was still pulling at his hair looking for that stinging pain to ground himself, while the other shaky hand scratched rapidly at the arm in his hair, panicking more and more and his vision blackened and blackened until he hit the ground.

When he woke he couldn't remember where he was for second, but when he took in his surroundings he realised that he was still in the practice room. "No one found me then" he thanked. His breathing was still a little laboured from the panic attack but he could see clearly now. He pushed himself into a sitting position, cringing at the way his arms gave out the first try. He picked up his phone while was on the floor next to him, he must've knocked it to the floor as he sunk down. Groaning at the bright light, he checked the time realising it was only 4:15 am. 

He grabbed onto the speakers and pulled himself up and trembling legs, clinging to the speakers for support as he went dizzy for a second. He rubbed at his eyes only just noticing how stiff and puffy they felt. When did cry? 

Once he was sure he wouldn't fall over, he pocketed his phone and shut off the speaker system and lights and left the room. Occasionally using the walls for support, Hyunjin successfully left the company building and cursed himself as he realised he somehow has to walk home. He knew logically that he could call a taxi, but he'd left his mask in the practice room and no way was he going back in, nothing would probably happen and he knew that but he didn't want to risk it, he could also use this time to go to a convenience store and grab some food. He had some calories left do he could buy some fruit or something to eat. 

At the convenience store, he grabbed a bottle of water and a packet of melon to eat and paid, thanking God that the cashier was some bald middle-aged man that was falling asleep behind the counter. 

He was about to leave when something caught his eye. Should he? Probably not. But he could. Would he get in trouble? Probably but he needed to do something right now. In a quick second decision, he grabbed the item and quickly paid before leaving the store. Now he was faced with the question, do back to the company building or go home? The dorms were closer but he needed to be alone right now, he also didn't wasn't to risk running into Chan and having to explain himself. With a sigh, he began the long track back to the JYP building.

When he reached the closest bathroom he put this bag of stuff down on the counter and prayed nobody would walk in. He took out his water and took a few sips before opening his melon and jumping up on the counter. As he ate, he pulled out his phone and thanked himself for remembering to bring his portable charger with him and scrolled through Instagram and Twitter. He didn't feel too bad about eating the melon as he still had a few remaining calories left so he hadn't gone over.

Finishing off the water, he threw the rubbish in the bin and pulled out the dye. He opened the lid and smirked at how dark it was, I mean he knew it was dark cause it was back hair dye but imagining that on his head instead of the blonde excited him. He pulled on the gloves that came in the packet and picked up the push, dipping it into the dye nervously. With a deep breath he applied the dye to his blonde hair. He screamed internally as he saw the contrasting colours and quickly added more and more dye to his hair. Admittedly he didnt think this threw very well because he didnt really know how to wash out the dye but he was too excited to care.

Once his head was covered he realised he was now a bit stuck. He grabbed his backpack and pulled out a pocket knife and retrieved his empty plastic water bottles and cut off the top. "There" he thought, smiling to himself as he put the knife away. He bent his head over the sink and used his makeshift cup to wash out the dye. 

Smiling in relief as he stood back up, dismissing the way his back ached, he looked in the mirror and smiled again, it looked good, yes he wa going to be killed but it looked good so it's fine. He realised he must've been there a while and with panicked eyes grabbed his phone again. Shit, 6:15 he needed to get home, now.

With a sigh he packed up his stuff and left quickly, begging to the God he didnt believe in that Seungmin decided to sleep in late enough for him to slip in unnoticed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ending was a bit rushed lmao I'm tired sorry.  
> I literally got so annoyed because I write until the part where Hyunjin was starting to have a panic attacked and accidentally clicked out of ao3 and none of it saved like kill meeeeee the first version was much better😑.
> 
> Also, I've never had a panic attack so I don't know how accurate it was so if it was incorrect please correct me so I know for the future.
> 
> Anyway hoped you liked it :)


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